After being convicted of rape and sentenced to many years in prison, I am extremely pleased to announce that my retrial resulted in a hung jury, after which the prosecutor decided to drop the case! Yes, I spent some time in jail (where some Blacks roughed me up) and was facing some serious prison time. But that is all now behind me and I am a free man.
This reversal came about after I fired my lawyer and hired a chick to replace him. Sure, a chick lawyer isn't as good as a man lawyer, but a male rapist being represented by a chick gets some people thinking... if he's got a woman defending him, the woman must be convinced he didn't do it.
That's the strategy as presented by the chick lawyer who represented me suggested (to get me to hire her). Luckily it worked. That, and she attempted to get as many men on the jury as possible. A third crucial strategy (in getting me off the hook) was character assassination. My accuser came off as an absolute bimbo who committed both perjury (multiple times) and conspiracy to defraud.
Not that any of accusations as presented by my lawyer were true. But they did the trick. Although the double trial did cost me a pretty penny. I had to dip into my retirement savings in order to not end up in prison where I might have very likely been raped by a Black dude. How royally fucked up is THAT?
Perhaps one day I'll write a book. One possible title I'm kicking around being "How To Get Away With Rape". This would be a "what if" type of novel similar to the OJ Simpson "confession" If I Did It. Likewise I'd only be putting forth "hypothetical" accounts of the many rapes I've committed.
In any case, I fortunately have some cash left. I think I need a vacation after being put through the ringer with this trial, retrial and time spent behind bars. I might move or take an extended Oklahoman vacation. I heard that it was ruled that sodomy with an unconscious woman is NOT rape by one of their courts.
Like I've been saying all along... if two people are drunk and have sex... how the hell is that "rape"? And, if I find some woman, liquor her up, and then put my dick in her mouth after she passes out... why isn't SHE charged with rape?
Anyway, sounds like fun. I'm really looking forward to it.
Byline: This commentary was authored by Willis "I Love Strawmen" Hart. Purveyor of unfacts. LLIN-265.
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